Self-Compassion and High Performance Standards: Are They Compatible?
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A few skills for developing self-compassion
Take the free Self-Compassion Scale at www.self-compassion.org.
Learn to use positive self-talk.
Develop a self-compassion mantra. For example:
“I’m having a really hard time right now. Everyone feels this way sometimes. I am now holding my pain with tenderness. I give myself compassion.”
“It’s painful for me to feel this. Suffering is part of life. I now treat myself gently and lovingly. I find ways to talk to myself and treat myself compassionately.”
Keep a self-compassion journal.
Try to keep a journal for a week to three months. The longer you keep it up, the deeper the changes you will notice. You can include in your journal:
• How you may have criticized yourself during the day and how that made you feel, without judging yourself (mindfulness).
• Gentle, caring, hopeful, reassuring words, reminders of the love inside you (kindness).
• How your experience connected you to the larger human experience; how your humanity means being imperfect; how others struggle too (common humanity).
Savor (I call it “wallowing”) in your good experiences: anticipate them, be in the moments as they happen, and find ways to make them last longer. These choices have been shown to enhance joy.
Use self-compassion visualization (see p. 129 of Kristin Neff’s book).
Books and Resources
BOOKS
Self-Compassion: Stop Beating Yourself Up and Leave Insecurity Behind by Kristin Neff. The single best book on Self-Compassion by the foremost researcher in the field. Based on research but easily readable and full of insights, information, stories, exercises, and references.
Self-Compassion Step by Step: The Proven Power of Being Kind to Yourself (audio book) by Kristin Neff. Very pricey, but she is wonderful to listen to.
The Mindful Path to Self-Compassion: Freeing Yourself from Destructive Thoughts and Emotions by Christopher K. Germer. Another good book with excellent information. Extensive resources in the back.
Living with Your Heart Wide Open: How Mindfulness and Compassion Can Free You from Unworthiness, Inadequacy, and Shame by Steve Flowers and Bob Stahl. Provides good information and many meditative practices.
Start Where You Are: A Guide to Compassionate Living by Pema Chodron. A Buddhist perspective.
LAO: The LAO Five Paths to Self-Compassion by Larry Tobin and Randy Russell. A short, 60-page, simple but practical book on the topic.
Calming Your Anxious Mind: How Mindfulness and Compassion Can Free You from Anxiety, Fear and Panic by Jeff Brantley. 2nd Edition. Excellent book with clear information about anxiety and great meditations as well as how to apply them to fear and worry.
WEBSITES
Kristin Neff’s website, with lots of information, research, and where to access her free Self-Compassion Scale. Test your self-compassion now, and again in a few months!
Christopher Germer’s website. Lots of information and guided self-compassion meditations.