As the first jury of my masters degree approached last fall, I found myself becoming more and more anxious and negative during my preparations. The previous three years had been full of disappointing performances, during which I felt completely out of sync with my mind, body, and the music. I felt angry at myself and questioned why I played the flute at all.
The month prior to this jury had been emotionally distressful, as I tried to decide whether to give up my dream of being a musician and pursue another career. I feared that one more negative performing experience would be the final straw . I knew in my heart that I didn’t want to give up something I loved and had worked at my whole life, but I didn’t want to go on like this.
After learning how to use self-talk at a workshop with Helen Spielman, and with the help of my teacher, I wrote a list of affirmations and kept them on my stand the week before my jury. When negative thoughts about a particular faculty member (who was on my jury and known to give abrasive and unkind remarks) popped into my head, I stopped what I was doing and read my affirmations.
I took my list of affirmations into the jury and read them quickly before I started the first movement of the Ibert Concerto. I felt calmer and more focused than I had in a long time, and my playing was better than I had even hoped. One of the affirmations I’d written, that I felt had been especially successful, was, “I hear myself playing with a warm, resonant, vibrant sound.”
After the jury my teacher came out to give me the comments and grades from the jury. I still had my affimations list on top if my music in my arms as she showed me the jury sheet from the member I’d been so worried about. The first thing they’d written on their sheet under tone was “warm, vibrant quality – brilliant when necessary.” I stood, stunned, and looked and my teacher in disbelief, and then showed her my affirmations.
